Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
