This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
