If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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