Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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