Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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