i think my tv is drunk
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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