I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
