I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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