Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
