Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
