how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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