did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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