we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
