I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
