i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
