dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Shame - the story of my life.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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