maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize