I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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