My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize