Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
