and she was petting her beer can
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
