I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
