Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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