You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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