I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
