A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
