please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Drunk is not a location!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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