im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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