I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
