True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
