If that was your dad, he is hot
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
