We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
