My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
