It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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