I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
