i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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