I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We left the knife in your bed.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
