i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just blew my weed a kiss
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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