Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
