My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am naked and annoyed.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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