Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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