He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
