I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
