my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
