I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
