moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
