The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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