i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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