I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
