His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
