If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
