I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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