i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
