3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
