so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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