wake up i wanna do it froggy style
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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