Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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