I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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