dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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