Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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