Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
