I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
