How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
4 words: hood of his car
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
