I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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