im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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