i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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